Argh.

I just realized that because I've been logged into multiple places at the same time, blog posts haven't been adding themselves like they should for almost a week now. I'm fixing the problem, but don't worry- I haven't forgotten about this after all. Stay tuned...

Day 12

I've finally come to my senses. I'm not really sure if this is because I've been exercising, going out more, or pouring my heart into anything I want to work on... but really, does that matter? Fact is, there's something rather liberating that I'm feeling, almost as if having no contact with him moves this whole process along faster. Yes I am still sad, but more for him; after talking with his best friend today on the phone for almost an hour, me knowing that my ex knows what he's lost and may eventually want back is the hardest thing to deal with. (I did find out that it wasn't a "he's just not that into you" moment which doesn't make it any easier.) And yet, this time alone has given me moments of clarity that were otherwise clouded by love.

We often don't seem to love ourselves as much as we love the other person, and as a result, are blind to each other's faults that are a strain on the relationship (and ultimately unspoken deal breakers.) It's hard for me to admit that I'm doing something for myself, or that I can't fix something that isn't me. We are so genetically predispositioned to give our love out, not take it away. But in doing so, we also negate our own pride, feelings, and overall rationality for extended periods of time. I'm not prescribing that everyone should be self-centered here; on the contrary, the key to finding love is found within ourselves, and to know thyself is to love thyself and be true to your beliefs. With this may come heartbreak, but eventually, someone else may love you for all the right reasons because they are true to themselves as well. The (not so) catch: you'll never find that person if you don't find yourself first and remember who you are. It may be a whole new perspective on break-ups and dealing, but the fact is you will break-up, you will have to deal, and you might as well come out the other end stronger because of it.

Day 11

I sometimes wonder- no matter how much I try and act like one of the guys, will I still carry the feelings of one of the girls as a consequence? Tonight I was looking over everything I've written thus far, and after noticing how long each and every post was I realized that regardless of how hard I strive not to, I still tend to over think things. Well not tonight. (You either.)

Day 9 and 10

Whether or not any girl cares to acknowledge it, there is an understood rule among men. Better known as the "guy code", this rule allows boys to gossip among each other about potential or current girls but never say a word to any person who wasn't privy to the initial (and only) conversation. See, a lot of guys will have a dilemma, seek advice, and then act upon their decision, never really getting a second opinion like girls tend to. I only know this because I've seen it happen so many times. Having been able to witness stories that fall under the guy code is a blessing and a curse. What his friends say in the minutes after the question has been asked can and will make or break what he eventually decides about you. If you're lucky and said friends are secretly cheering for your team, you may get a shot into overtime. However, if they hardly know you or don't particularly approve, they will shoot you down if only due to the ultimate unwritten backwards second meaning of "bros before hos"; not the one that says "we won't fight over who saw her first", but the far more devastating "screw her you have us anyway and you should value our decision."

It's not easy as a female seeing this all go down with some of my best guy friends, because in the back of my mind, I know that whatever guy I'm seeing/dating/driving crazy is more than likely doing the very same thing with his "bros". It's even worse when your friend's girlfriends come running to you, asking why and what they can do to fix everything. How do you tell a heartbroken girl you only know through your friend that she can't do anything, that your friend made his decision and she'll just have to get over it? You can't.

As a girl with my guy's interests and his ex-girl's feelings at heart,I tend to try to find a way to break the news, but always end up making up stories like "oh honey, you're better than him anyway", or "trust me, I've known him for years and you guys are just great, but he's crazy and I've told him this... if he ever realizes it it'll be too late, and I know you can do better." And blah blah blah and so on and so forth. While these things may or may not be my true feelings about my friend, it is generally understood that it is okay to give this pitiful girl an ego boost (even if it is a last ditch effort to just get her off your back)... unless, of course, she was a total bitch which will earn her my deadpan version of the absolute, over adjectified truth (a personal favorite, but never use a missile where you only need a BB or the results will be disastrous.)

I'm not saying I'm one to judge here: I'll be the first to admit I've spent all too much time in previous relationships contacting a guy's friends when shit hits the fan. Not only does this make things even more awkward for your guy (who will hear about whatever you ask/disclose, potentially distancing himself even further from you because of it) but it also makes things really awkward for his friends. Unless they were your friends before the relationship developed (and even sometimes then) his roommates, sports bar buddies, and siblings are not your confidants and never should be treated as such. They either approve or disapprove, but regardless of what they actually think about you, they will act hospitable towards you out of respect for their guy. They have not suddenly become your best friends, and you should not call them in the middle of the night crying. And don't think those girls he's friends with are all of the sudden going to take your side because you are the same gender and "they've been there"; even if they act like they are there for you, they will always be there for their initial friend through and through. (As one of the friend's though, I will say that abuse or cheating are my exceptions to the rule, in which I feel the need to say something and also re-evaluate my friendship with the guy in the first place.)

I made the mistake of texting my ex's best friend at the beginning of this whole ordeal- he has since texted saying he'd call to talk this weekend (which was a nice gesture at the time), but I haven't heard from him otherwise. Something in my gut is telling me he's dreading it, which is completely understandable; I hate having those conversations when I'm on his side of the phone too. So how do you tell someone "no worries man- it's all good. take care!" and know that they won't feel bad for not being able to help you after you've contacted them? That's the one I've yet to figure out...

Day 7 and 8

That was a test. You see, the world does not just come to a screeching halt because you feel you've lost in love. If nothing, it spins ever faster, egging you on to keep up with it. Case in point, I didn't make it to the blog boards yesterday. Between applying for jobs, working an ongoing weekly contract job that involved multiple processes and a few meetings, and phone calls with various family members, the day was fuller than it seemed. (Okay, maybe I did take a nap somewhere in between, but I deserved it!) Nevertheless, by the time that I had a chance to actually sit down and think and write I was already asleep, preparing for today's new challenges.

I recently found out that my Grandmother has stage IV pancreatic cancer. Why do I divulge this? Because it has had a huge impact on the amount of strength I currently need to possess. Not only must I be strong and keep my sixty day promise to myself, but I must do so at a time when I feel like the person that used to anchor me is no longer there. I've been drifting aimlessly for several days since I got the news, trying to be strong for my family whilst wishing I had that person more than ever right now, even just as a friend, and it hasn't been exactly painless to say the least. I've picked up the phone more than once, scrolling down to the "Do Not Call" choice before shutting it. Of course, I stop myself at the last minute; no matter how much I think that phone call might help, it's not what is best in this situation.

Sometime tonight however I came to the realization that I can either "let myself float out to sea" or I can become my own anchor. Although the latter is also the harder of the two, it is also the better choice for any little lost boats out there. Times may be tough no matter what you are facing, but you can't (and shouldn't) rely on others to keep you sane. It should come from within. (And since I'm in a cheeseball state of mind, to borrow from The Police: I'll send an SOS to me.)

So yet another revelation for the week, and a laundry list of personal demons that need conquering to boot. Great. I've really got my work cut out for me now...

Day 6

The hardest part about this sixty days is the idea of not having that best friend to talk to. My ex was my go-to guy: if something was wrong, if I was confused or feeling forlorn, he was there for me, giving comfort or suggestions whenever I needed. I'm not claiming that my friends and family cannot fill this role, I'm just saying that it's nice to have that one reliable person as well. You don't have to give back story to them because they already know it, and they know you and your secrets well enough that they can offer advice but never tell another soul.

Puxatony Phil saw his shadow yesterday, and though it may be sunny and 75 in LA, inside my head I am still feeling that impending six more weeks of winter. Yeah it's cold, but not because of the temperature or even the current healing process; it's because of all the surrounding things that I'm left with inside, not wanting to burden anyone with them, not wanting to bruise my ego by showing the rest of the world that I have feelings. Losing that shoulder to cry on has by far been the most devastating blow. Perhaps it wasn't the right shoulder for me, but it still felt better to have one when your world seems to be collapsing around you than not at all.

Through this, I'm starting to feel faced with one of the biggest challenges I have ever combated: if things go further downhill, do I reach out and break my contract with myself (and perhaps lose what's left of his respect in the process), or do I find other ways to deal? The romantics of it all aren't even a factor at this point- I actually woke up exuberant this morning after having a dream where I walked away from his offer, feeling like I had made a major breakthrough. So it's not really about that... it's just needing that particular friend at this particular point in time. I am stumped...

Day 5

It's been about a week since everything really went down, and the last two days have been hard. Even my sister said to me today on the phone between her songs, "I don't know how you're dealing with it." I wasn't really, and I told her that too. I told her I've been thinking, writing, drinking, barely eating or sleeping, and that the only thing keeping me strong was knowing that I was doing what was best for me. Or at least what I thought was best, even if I hadn't started to believe it yet.

Have you ever felt like the emperor in the Emperor's New Clothes? Like maybe you're walking around thinking you have on the most beautiful outfit ever, simply because you spent so much time and effort on it, and no one can seem to convince you that you're really walking around naked (or worse, frumpy) and embarrassing yourself? I think that's what happens for too many women: so often we become enamored with what is comfortable and feels right that we refuse to actually take a look in the mirror. Everything is so perfect in our heads that we fail to see or hear anyone around us. It is only after realizing we're starting to feel cold that our ears open up; the clouds are lifted, and damn if our friends weren't right- we are naked! Those clothes we wore never actually existed... those dreams we thought we had were simply a figment of our imagination... and at that moment, we realize that we need a bathrobe stat.

Tonight I watched the movie "Working Girl" on AMC. Now I'm not generally a fan of what you would call a "chick flick", but I remember enjoying it in a college class and figured I'd give it another go. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of the tunnel, my first glimpse of that beacon of light shining bright at the other end. (Forgive me for the exaggeratedly positive description, but when you make a revelation like this someday you will understand that "waaah!!!" noise in your head like I'm having and say "ohhh... this is what she meant!".) In the film, which I highly suggest you watch since I'm flying the spoiler alert flag at full mast, not only does Melanie Griffith's character stay true to herself and fight to the end for what she believes in, but she gets the guy as well. However, this is not the guy she set out with in the beginning. She wasn't where she wanted to be in love or in life, even though her friends were telling her that status quo was okay and to hang onto what worked. And we know this from the get-go: Alec Baldwin is so wrong for her! He has bad chest hair and bad taste in birthday presents and screws girls from Jersey behind her back! But much like her moxsy to do a job that no one thinks she can do, she begins getting the attention she deserves from whom other than Harrison Ford. (Well okay, so she does take a Valium, steals clothes from her boss, goes to a party uninvited, gets drunk at said networking party, and ends up passing out at Harrison's apartment because she can't tell him where she lives because she is still with the ex. Bear with me here- it's Hollywood!) Harrison can see what she's really about, and you know that there's a real connection there. But in order for her to even think about pursuing this, she has to realize that she should never forgive Alec for what he's done; what's to say he won't do it again? Long story short, Harrison ends up loving the girl because she is real, and Melanie gets the guy and the job of her dreams.

What's to say your guy won't do it again? And what does it take to stay strong? We've all heard the stories: the "I'm sorry's", the "I've changed", all the lip service they'll give you if they decide to come crawling back after a break-up. So why don't we forget the "I love you's" and "you're the only one I want's" so easily? And if the former were lies, wouldn't reasonable deduction dictate that the latter are as well? What I'm saying here is simply this: tomorrow is a new day, and there is no reason to dwell on the past. Rather, charge forward to what you want more than anything in life, and never forget that. And even if it means losing your Alec Baldwin, trust me, your Harrison Ford will come soon enough.

Day 4

I'll be the first to admit that I have trouble following my own advice sometimes. Despite the fact that I had been invited to multiple Super Bowl parties this weekend and had already chosen one (and made dips to bring to it the night before), I woke up this morning just not feeling like going anywhere at all. Had it not been for my roommate I very well may have stayed in my bathrobe and watched the game with a frozen pizza and half a bottle of wine. You see, football was a thing that the ex and I had been following together all season long- every Sunday came with my requisite weekly run to Wing Stop followed by half a dozen games on DVR (so as to watch every division and really get a grasp on who was headed to the ultimate of championships.) This Sunday however was bittersweet. I did end up going to my friend's and having a decent time, but to wait so long for something so big to happen and not share it with the person that waited with you feels like a bit of a letdown. (Kind of like a relationship that doesn't pan out- yeah, you see where I'm going here.) You can yell and cheer all you want, but somewhere, in between the mediocre "economic crisis" commercial reruns and less entertaining than normal halftime show, you can't help but wonder what your recent better half is doing and if they are thinking the same thing.

For some reason, one commercial tonight stuck out at me- not so much for its brilliance, but rather, for its random association to something I had heard so many times. Seeing the Tin Man animated in an ad (I don't even remember what for- smart work there, ad guys) took me back to my hundreds if not thousands of Wizard of Oz viewings throughout my childhood. And though the message I held close throughout childhood was "there's no place like home", the newer realization tonight was when the Tin Man finally meets the Wizard who says upon hearing his request, "A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others." Now I know that I have a big heart, bigger than many people I have me, but often I tend to love so much it can hurt. So how is it that you get others to love you? And if others tell you you have one of the biggest hearts they know, does that mean that they realize this because they love you back?

Today has been a very difficult day overall. Not because I was in a strange place surrounded by unknown people, not even because I was wrestling with a two year old while trying to watch the big game. Simply because I'm not sure if I've made the right decision here. Did I read his emails correctly? Did I overreact by taking a multi-month vow of silence? (Really either of those questions could be a yes or no.) I want to say I made the right decision; I know in my heart I more than likely did. So why then do I still carry the mixed feelings that I did twelve hours ago, and how can I make them go away?

When I started this experiment, I never said it was going to be easy. I never stated that it would all be okay, my heart would heal, and I would move on within a week. But I certainly didn't know it would be so hard either. I've actually never had quite so much trouble bridging the gap between an old relationship and a new one in the past, be it with myself or another person waiting in the wings. And maybe this is to say that one should never experiment in matters of the heart. (Then again, maybe if we didn't experiment, we would never find exactly what we're looking for.)

When I was in elementary school, I loved doing Science Projects. The build-up to choosing an idea, the hours of gathering materials, the week spent formulating a hypothesis, the months spent observing and recording the progression of variables A-E in comparison to the constant. All this work and time would lead up to that one night before the project was due: I'd stay up hours past curfew, double-matting and gluing my weeks' worth of blood sweat and tears onto a tri-fold piece of cardboard, working so hard to be the best. And when that Saturday morning came and the school would display the best projects in the fair, I'd stand proudly next to my table explaining what I'd done and everything I'd learned and what I would do better if I had the chance to do it all over again. And though often I felt as if every judge loved my project and me, when the time came in fourth grade to hand out the ribbons to the winners, I stood there smiling and ready and... lost. I didn't even get third place. Now I had always won in the years prior, so even as a ten year old I was sad, shocked, and angry, thinking that I deserved to win. I was the best they had: I spent months testing different fabrics for durability, I sewed them together and for hours rode up and down my block on my bicycle wheels covered with silk, linen, and lace. I even documented the evidence with photos and journals of how the fibers wore differently due to materials, varying terrains, and how they appeared under a microscope, and these judges were throwing it away on two volcanoes and some bean sprouts in a Ziplock? This just didn't make sense to me. Why wouldn't they chose me? I played it over and over again in my head for weeks after, and no matter what I wanted to do differently, I couldn't. The decision had been made, and regardless of what I thought, I was still standing there at the end of the day with that certificate of participation in my hand.

Much like that science project, dating for me is becoming an experiment in itself. I can do my best and plead my case and explain what I'd do different given the option again, but when it comes down to it I have little additional say in the final decision. And even though I've won in years past for less than stellar relationships, I feel like this last go round I was slighted that chintzy star trophy and blue ribbon. The judge had reached a verdict, and I needed to respect and deal with their decision. I suppose there is always a chance that you'll get that same judge next year, they may pull you aside and tell you that your project really was one of the best but volcano's Dad had just helped build the new gymnasium and it was their way of saying thank you. And provided that you can find a way to cast your previous issues aside and still explain that new project with as much hope, intensity, and vigor you did the first go round, you might very well have a chance of winning this time. But somewhere inside, even if you are set to win first place, you will always have some doubt in that judge until the blue ribbon is physically in your hands. Your only hope is to believe in your hypothesis and decisions no matter what, and always prepare yourself for the next big project instead of dwelling on the last; whatever else comes next does so because it is supposed to, and unlike the fabrics that are washed and dried, you simply have no control over what happens to the ones spinning around and around on varying terrains. Use genuine, natural materials and you will come out with a few scrapes and bruises; use synthetics, and you're dooming yourself from the get-go.