Day 3

Today was the first time I've cried in several days. While mowing throw half an onion this evening in preparation for tomorrow's Super Bowl guacamole, tears began streaming down my face, narrowly missing the cutting board. Do anyone else ever feel like crying sometimes might actually not be controllable? Like the onion, I can think of more than a few other times I've wept when I'd have rather not. Try as I might they decide to come out, leading to the requisite "what's wrong" 's of whoever is within a ten foot radius. And so many of those times do those tears not feel controllable at all.

I've often wondered why guys have such better control over the whole crying thing. I've seen many a boyfriend look like he's tearing up, but (like those relationships) those tears rarely come to fruition. This of course is the simple explanation for why so many younger men seem to think that it's the end of the world when a girl cries too, especially if they've never had sisters. Either they don't yet understand why women cry so much more easily or they just do it after we leave and we are the only ones who don't know this secret. I'm not really sure on this one. All I can say is that regardless, it is still an "oh shit" moment for just about every guy I've ever known. Because what happens after this is so hard for them to mentally try and make better, all they can do is sit there and silently freak out, or get up and walk away. It is the end of the world for them- they only cry over something that is so terribly intense and grave it is tearing them apart, so if you're crying it is taken to mean that you are very possibly going through the same thing and they don't know what the hell to do next. (Consequently, if you rock tears weekly, he is likely to end up thinking you are only "crying wolf" and there is nothing wrong except the fact that he feels very annoyed.)

But why does this seem to happen more often to us than to them? At some point between our "pubesic rebellion" and college, a woman all too soon finds that she suddenly has much intenser emotions, and even the toughest of us cry more than we ever can remember. When I was younger, I would cry maybe once a year (excluding the baby years of course) and my brother would too. It was only after this sexual evolution that either of us felt the urge to change our watery ways; maybe women are just more accepting of feelings, or perhaps we are simply hard wired like that, especially around that time each month that goes without saying (and no it isn't a good excuse but damn if you can't chart relationship problems based solely on that.) It could even be that like infants, we are crying out again for what we want or need, especially when we can't seem to get it. Whatever the reason, I somehow knew around age thirteen that I would never feel anything the same way again.

Not to say that I'm the moody type at all. I actually feel as if I was blessed by this emotionally uncontrollable genetic pool: even though my mother is often in one extreme blubbering mess of a state or the somewhat happier other, my father has always been very good at hiding his "feelings" (yes, he does put air quotes around it and say it like a dirty word.) Luckily, I've inherited this trait from him, and though it does come with his inability to open up, for the most part I am in that happy stable emotional state on a day to day basis. It is only too bad then that when I am very upset or sad I turn into my mom, crying uncontrollably like I'm the cameraman on Iron Chef: Battle Onions. Not only does this make me feel like I'm the weaker party here, but it also clouds my vision, causing me to think only of how to calm and protect myself instead of listening to what is being said that may very well negate the whole reason that I am crying in the first place.

This isn't to say that crying is not normal, or even necessary. It is simply to say that sometimes, much like love, tears can blur your judgement, and at some point in life we all need to step away from that cutting board for a while before we're squinting so hard that we hack a finger off. (Besides, even though the Arizona Cardinals will be playing tomorrow, I don't think anyone at the party will want guacamole with quite that much team spirit.)

Day 2

The only thing that potentially gets hit harder than your heart after a breakup may very well be your wallet. I'm down to the last few days of this month, and yeah, ok, maybe I really only have enough for rent left in my bank account but damnit, I need retail therapy right now! Even after thrifting (J. Brand Jeans for $8!) and birthday present exchanging this week (cute earrings returned for smoking hot stilettos!), I still didn't feel satisfied. I needed to finish filling whatever void was only half full, even if it put me in the red and I had to eat popcorn and Cheerios for two weeks straight.

A quick backtrack after lunch today landed me at one of my favorite boutiques in Sunset Plaza, and wouldn't you know it, they were having a sale. (Ok, I really went there to see my friend who runs the place. They have a way of generally making me feel better, and in all honesty, I was already looking pretty good since I had a lunch meeting on that side of town earlier; why waste my work on one encounter?) Let this be a lesson to call in advance- a six-mile detour could've been avoided had I known that they wouldn't be there. I did however find a different friend in the form of a gorgeous ruffly black silk sleeveless blouse. On sale for $25 bucks. My new outfit and therapy was beginning to feel complete.

I suppose you could call that blouse my mourning shirt being the fabric and color it is, and I guess I might agree since the loss of a love can feel equally as painful as the death of a friend. However, even though I may seem in mourning and might just decide to wear it for one week straight, it wont be because I'm sorrowful; no, it'll be because I feel smoking hot in it. For me, the quickest way to get over feeling sad is by feeling better about yourself. Yes, I know thinking about all of your good qualities can be hard when you've been thinking about what you've done wrong. But if you can't start from the inside, it's often easier starting outside instead. You can call it superficial if you'd like, but really all it is is reverse psychology: you look better, and by default you feel better. I've yet to meet a single person who has trouble agreeing with that under such circumstances, I don't care how "real" they claim to be. You look better, you feel better. End of story.

"But I'm too fat to look better." Eat less, go to the gym. I know you need your ice cream right now, so put it in a small bowl- don't dig from the carton until you scrape cardboard and wonder where it all went. If you hate working out, you're not alone. I personally hate the gym. But you know what else is a good workout? Dancing. If you don't like to dance it's because you've never really tried it or have never had more than two shots of tequila. I'm not condoning drowning your sorrows in alcohol here ladies, I'm just saying your friends said they'd drop everything and hang out with you right now so you have a free pass: drag them to a club, let them buy you a cocktail if it helps, and tear up that dance floor. You might even catch the eye of that cute guy in the corner- I know you're not looking for romance quite yet, but even lunch or coffee might help you remember that you've still got it.

"But I don't feel like that kind of maintenance." GET OVER IT. Make-up takes less than 10 minutes. If you can apply chapstick you can apply lipstick, and if you can put in contacts you can certainly put on mascara. If you still don't know how, the nice ladies at the Sephora counter will do it for you and show you step by step. There is no excuse. When I met my current roommate, she was the biggest anti-makeup person I knew; upon asking her why, she simply said, "I don't want people thinking I'm something I'm not." It took me months if not over a year to convince her that makeup was not about lying to the people around you, but instead enhancing yourself for yourself. It goes straight back to my first point: you look better, you feel better. And by no means does this mean you have to cake foundation and eyeshadow on like a burlesque dancer. You just have to figure out what suits you and what enhances your features and stick with it. People will notice something is different, but they never have to know what.

"All the articles say I should date but I don't feel like dating." Of course you don't! Why on earth would you let anyone make you date right now? However, this does not mean that you're allowed to hole up in your living room for six months eating Doritos and watching Gossip Girl reruns. You need to get out, and if not on dates, somewhere with someone. (Grocery and gas runs do not count!) Try dinner with friends, movie night at the girls', beers and football with the guys, or even those party invites that you've been ignoring since you gained a boyfriend and lost your social life two years ago. Never had a social life to begin with? Make one up. Even if you only have one friend, I'm sure they will be there for you during this time and will be ready to do whatever you want to do.

"But I don't like hanging out with the girls/I don't have any girl friends." I don't either/I have very few (three local ones to be exact.) If you're one of those girls that's friends with 90% guys like I am, look at this as a time to reconnect with them if you've lost touch. Sometimes just having another guy tell you your ex is a bastard and you can do better is more fulfilling than one of the girls telling you that anyway. And besides, nothing can quite replace a strong muscular shoulder to cry on.

Maybe my glass is just always more than half full, but in closing for the night you really only have two options here: you can either look at your life post-breakup from a sad-woe-is-me perspective, or you can look at it as a chance to better yourself. And really, doesn't the second one sound more appealing anyway? Now to figure out where to wear my new outfit to...

Day 1

Despite everything that I've read over the last few days, not a single one of the "How To Find Closure and Move On" articles that are out there suggested the most important thing I've learned so far when you feel as if you've been dumped: TELL EVERYONE you know and get it over with. Figure out how to condense your "why it happened" story into an elevator pitch (that leaves out the gory details); then make sure all friends, mutual friends, family, and close colleagues know, and make sure you do all of this within 72 hours if possible. If you don't, you will find yourself in the days and weeks to come simply rehashing it over and over out loud and thinking about it even more than you ever should.

I realized this today. I ran into a friend around lunchtime, and another friend who I thought would surely tell everyone within our circle had not- thus, I was left to retell the same story I've been replaying for a week like a broken record. Although it doesn't get any harder to tell and tell again, it doesn't get any easier either. However, I can give a very certain play by play in less than 5 minutes, thus not boring the listener's ears to death but still filling them in with what has happened up to the present time. They are sad for me, they say they will drop anything to spend time with me, they say I can do better. These things are nice and the latter I know... but right now I just need to be around people who are tough and applaud my toughness, not anyone else who wants my feelings all over the place because they think that helps to heal. As I've come to find out in my short dating life, healing is a not an intensely emotional process for me, it is simply psychological- I get in better shape, I find a better job, and I improve my life overall. I do not wallow and sob- I have my moments yes, but they are fleeting because as far as I know what's the point? Ex-boyfriends are like spilled milk- if the carton (or boy) slips out of your grasp and happens to go everywhere and it isn't salvageable, you can always go get another at the grocery store... or corner gas stop, really whatever is most convenient and suits your preference here.

It's officially day one of my "no contact" policy, and though I find myself feeling at ease with the whole situation and maybe thinking it's wholly unnecessary, I am sticking to the entire sixty days if only for the sake of this sociological experiment. I started to think today "maybe I can talk to him in a week or two" but somewhere in my gut I realize that if I was to do such so soon, all the feelings might come flooding back and I've come too far in the last few days to be back at square one. Besides, when he packed up the rest of my stuff and gave it all back, he put a Christmas present from two years back that was for him in one of the bags. Now I'm not sure if it's a sign, but in my mind any boy who gives you back red lacy underwear you wore for him on Christmas certainly doesn't see you coming back anytime soon to fill them again. And guys, for the record, if you don't want that sort of gift to keep as a souvenir, give or throw it away! Don't return them to their previous owner who just happens to be your soon to be ex! Besides, giving back gifts is just rude in general, right?

Sixty Days

This is the recommended amount of time that most psychiatrists propose ample enough to get over someone. Regardless of the relationship's status or nuclear fall-out, in sixty days your heart is supposed to mend and you are on your way to a brighter and better future. I call their bullshit. I know, it's not a long time in the grand scheme of things. But sixty days without seeing, calling, or touching the person that you spent (or wasted) the last three years of your life with can feel like a long time when you're only on day one, and that doesn't even start until tomorrow.

I am not bitter, I am simply heartbroken. Crossroads happen, shit happens- it's just life, you deal with it and move on. Was I happy enough and willing to work through problems we had? Yes. Can I do better than him? Surely and without a doubt. But none of that matters when you think someone has pussied their way out of breaking up after realizing that they don't feel the same about you as you do for them. There is anger, sadness, and a whole slew of other emotions I don't believe I have words for. But if I can man up enough to tell someone exactly what I think, surely they can do the same for me, right? Bullshit.

Being a child of the technological age, I have done what any sane women would do these days: scoured the internet, searching for reasons as to why it happened, what could've been done better, and how to get over it all. If he thinks he'll come back into my life after breaking my heart for the third time, he's seriously mistaken. And I am dead set and hell bent on proving that. So I've filtered emails into a spam folder, blocked any messenger addresses I can think of, let his friends know we will not be in contact and thanks for playing, and removed my relationship status entirely from all social networking sites. I've put away presents, trinkets, and anything else that he gave me, and am seriously contemplating pawning my beloved Tiffany's and diamond stud earrings for cold hard cash, which will promptly be deposited at Neimans for overpriced stillettos that I can fuck someone else in and ultimately feel hotter and better... but I'm not bitter enough to do that just yet.

I've decided though that I'm not deleting pictures online- I did this last time and it didn't help. You can't avoid the past; you simply have to learn from it and grow. I think forgetting it all is what got me into round 2 with this same guy anyway, so the only way out now is to remember the good times but not make the same mistakes again. Have I forgotten anything else in this ritual cleanse? Let me know...