Day 3

Today was the first time I've cried in several days. While mowing throw half an onion this evening in preparation for tomorrow's Super Bowl guacamole, tears began streaming down my face, narrowly missing the cutting board. Do anyone else ever feel like crying sometimes might actually not be controllable? Like the onion, I can think of more than a few other times I've wept when I'd have rather not. Try as I might they decide to come out, leading to the requisite "what's wrong" 's of whoever is within a ten foot radius. And so many of those times do those tears not feel controllable at all.

I've often wondered why guys have such better control over the whole crying thing. I've seen many a boyfriend look like he's tearing up, but (like those relationships) those tears rarely come to fruition. This of course is the simple explanation for why so many younger men seem to think that it's the end of the world when a girl cries too, especially if they've never had sisters. Either they don't yet understand why women cry so much more easily or they just do it after we leave and we are the only ones who don't know this secret. I'm not really sure on this one. All I can say is that regardless, it is still an "oh shit" moment for just about every guy I've ever known. Because what happens after this is so hard for them to mentally try and make better, all they can do is sit there and silently freak out, or get up and walk away. It is the end of the world for them- they only cry over something that is so terribly intense and grave it is tearing them apart, so if you're crying it is taken to mean that you are very possibly going through the same thing and they don't know what the hell to do next. (Consequently, if you rock tears weekly, he is likely to end up thinking you are only "crying wolf" and there is nothing wrong except the fact that he feels very annoyed.)

But why does this seem to happen more often to us than to them? At some point between our "pubesic rebellion" and college, a woman all too soon finds that she suddenly has much intenser emotions, and even the toughest of us cry more than we ever can remember. When I was younger, I would cry maybe once a year (excluding the baby years of course) and my brother would too. It was only after this sexual evolution that either of us felt the urge to change our watery ways; maybe women are just more accepting of feelings, or perhaps we are simply hard wired like that, especially around that time each month that goes without saying (and no it isn't a good excuse but damn if you can't chart relationship problems based solely on that.) It could even be that like infants, we are crying out again for what we want or need, especially when we can't seem to get it. Whatever the reason, I somehow knew around age thirteen that I would never feel anything the same way again.

Not to say that I'm the moody type at all. I actually feel as if I was blessed by this emotionally uncontrollable genetic pool: even though my mother is often in one extreme blubbering mess of a state or the somewhat happier other, my father has always been very good at hiding his "feelings" (yes, he does put air quotes around it and say it like a dirty word.) Luckily, I've inherited this trait from him, and though it does come with his inability to open up, for the most part I am in that happy stable emotional state on a day to day basis. It is only too bad then that when I am very upset or sad I turn into my mom, crying uncontrollably like I'm the cameraman on Iron Chef: Battle Onions. Not only does this make me feel like I'm the weaker party here, but it also clouds my vision, causing me to think only of how to calm and protect myself instead of listening to what is being said that may very well negate the whole reason that I am crying in the first place.

This isn't to say that crying is not normal, or even necessary. It is simply to say that sometimes, much like love, tears can blur your judgement, and at some point in life we all need to step away from that cutting board for a while before we're squinting so hard that we hack a finger off. (Besides, even though the Arizona Cardinals will be playing tomorrow, I don't think anyone at the party will want guacamole with quite that much team spirit.)